Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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