billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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