it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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