Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
