At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
