my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
