god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
