Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
