So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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