So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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