If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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