i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
