I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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