Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(925): View more from California

Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead

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(561): View more from Florida

I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.

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(440): View more from Ohio

obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12

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(+69): View more from

You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.

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(417): View more from Missouri

For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?

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(727): View more from Florida

No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."

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