If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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