it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
