That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
