i just wanna soil my oats bro
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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