why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
