I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
