Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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