I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
