what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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