Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
