im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
