I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
