I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
