I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
