Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
