About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize