Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
