I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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