Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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