ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
