Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
