hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
