I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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