Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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