Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
