how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
