I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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