I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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