Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
