why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
