Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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