Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
How's work?
Spinning.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
