Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I am naked and annoyed.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
