I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
