Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
