I haven't been this sober since birth.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
