Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
