How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Randomize