i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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