The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize