Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
